‘The Heavy’ Sandwich

“Before I let my gaming obsessed son take over this article, never ever attempt to make this sandwich. Ever.”

-Mdbridge81

Welcome to the first Geeky Grub, where I will be taking over the blog for one geeky, entertainment based food item and I thought what better way to start off this monthly tradition than recreate one of the simplest, but most iconic foods in all of gaming history.

That’s right, we’re talking about the ‘Sandvich,’ a simple sandwich which The Heavy from Team Fortress 2 uses to replenish all 300 of his health in a single bite. That thing’s gotta be packing a whole lot of punch if it can heal bullet wounds and third degree burns with just a single swallow. So begs the question: “What actually is the Sandvich made of?”

According to the Team Fortress Wiki page on the lunchbox item, which will be linked to at the bottom of the page, the Sandvich consists of white wheat bread, cut into triangles. Between the slices of bread are lettuce, tomatoes of indeterminate type, Swiss cheese, and a few slices of both ham and bologna. Wait… Bologna!? I haven’t eaten that stuff in years and for good reason. Most bologna made nowadays is pretty bad for you, being made from about 30% pork fat and all, so sourcing a somewhat healthy bologna isn’t gonna be as easy as picking off a Medic as Sniper. (If you’re competent with him, that is.)

But what if we went with a sort of ‘faux’ bologna, meaning we can still make a game accurate and yummy Sandvich with the added bonus of not losing 20 years off of our lives? Oscar Mayer creates a bologna that is instead made from turkey, making it leaner and much healthier than pork, just as turkey bacon is better for you than pork bacon. However, if you cannot find the stomach for either type of bologna, I don’t blame you, but for the sake of accuracy, my recreation pictured down below will indeed be filled with both ham and bologna. Putting my health on the line for accuracy and views, ‘that’s the way ya’ do eet!’

What you will need:

As described above,

• White wheat bread, sliced.
• Swiss cheese, sliced.
• Iceberg Lettuce, one to two leaves.
• Tomatoes, thinly sliced. (I used cherry tomatoes as it is unknown what type is used in the Sandvich in-game.)
• Ham.
• Bologna, turkey or otherwise. (Skip this one if you like.)
• Pimento-stuffed olive. (This is for authenticity; the Sandvich is held together by a toothpick with an olive poked through it.)
• A condiment or two of your choice, if you’re so inclined. (Optional)

Building this Sandvich actually takes a bit of practice, as you are almost over-stuffing those two itty-bitty pieces of bread. First place down one slice of your bread and lay the meats folded on top of it. Next, lay one layer of your thinly sliced tomatoes over the meat, that’s right; there’s two layers of tomato. Add three slices of Swiss cheese all in a row along your sandvich, overlapping them and then add the second layer of tomato. Add your condiments here, if you chose any to add, (I always use a Dijon and Honey Mustard mix for my sandwiches.) and then top that with the layer of lettuce. Place the other slice of bread over the top. Done, right? Wrong; it wouldn’t be a proper Sandvich without it being cut into triangles! After doing that, add the properly tooth-picked olive and enjoy the savory taste of your brand new portable ‘Sandvich Edible Device.”

As for my impressions, I’m embarrassed to say… it was really good. The bologna even wasn’t that bad; not that I intend to eat it regularly, but if you’re looking for a nice geeky snack or a simple but filling sandwich, this one fits the bill for both situations and and will make you smile like the Russian mercenary himself.

Just be careful, as someone may want you to share…

Here’s the wiki page as promised: https://wiki.teamfortress.com/wiki/Sandvich